Funny Quotes

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Albert Einstein

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

Winston Churchill

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Mark Twain

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

Ronald Reagan

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bertrand Russell

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

Bertrand Russell

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

Lucille Ball

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Lewis Black

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Elayne Boosler

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Kevin Nealon

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Elayne Boosler

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

Caroline Rhea

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

Dylan Moran

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

George Lopez

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

Ruby Wax

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

Margaret Smith

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

Roy Orbison

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Marcelene Cox

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Kevin James

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone

My life needs editing.

Mort Sahl

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

Angie Dickinson

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Richard Lewis

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Hugo

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

H. L. Mencken

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

I never said most of the things I said.

Yogi Berra

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Walt Disney

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

Voltaire

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Will Rogers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Will Rogers

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

David Brenner

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Don Rickles

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Cathy Guisewite

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Joe E. Lewis

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Johnny Vegas

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

Cathy Guisewite

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Joe Rogan

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

David Brenner

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Eddie Izzard

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie Izzard

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

Chevy Chase

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Jimmy Fallon

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Chevy Chase

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Rob Corddry

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Luis Bunuel

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

William Lyon Phelps

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Lewis Black

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

James Brown

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Jerry Lewis

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

Paul Lynde

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

Paul Lynde

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

Mercedes McCambridge

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Tracey Ullman

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

Norman Wisdom

I think serial monogamy says it all.

Tracey Ullman

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

Logan P. Smith

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Robert Byrne

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.

Logan P. Smith

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Logan P. Smith

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."

Claude Pepper

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

Hesiod

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Lewis Mumford

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

Ellen DeGeneres

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood

I rant, therefore I am.

Dennis Miller

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Naguib Mahfouz

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Jay Leno

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Alanis Morissette

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

I like marriage. The idea.

Toni Morrison

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Demetri Martin

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Demetri Martin

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Billy Connolly

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Robert Benchley

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Robert Benchley

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Robert Benchley

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Don Marquis

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

Don Marquis

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

Hillary Clinton

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

Hillary Clinton

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Red Skelton

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Howard Nemerov

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Fred Allen

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Milton Berle

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Milton Berle

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Chris Rock

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Robert Orben

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Alfred Hitchcock

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Marilyn vos Savant

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Mel Brooks

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Steve Martin

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Spike Milligan

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Stephen Fry

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Bill Maher

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Bill Maher

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Bob Hope

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Bob Hope

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Ron White

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Rita Rudner

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Lenny Bruce

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

Laurence J. Peter

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

Laurence J. Peter

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

Samuel Goldwyn

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Jack Benny

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

One man's folly is another man's wife.

Helen Rowland

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

James Thurber

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

James Thurber

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Fran Lebowitz

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Thomas Sowell

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Fran Lebowitz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Calvin Coolidge

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Josh Billings

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Josh Billings

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Josh Billings

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Josh Billings

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns

Be obscure clearly.

E. B. White

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

George Burns

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

E. B. White

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

Communism is like one big phone company.

Lenny Bruce

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry A. Kissinger

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Lily Tomlin

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Henry A. Kissinger

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Margaret Mead

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

Carl Sandburg

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Frank Lloyd Wright

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.

Frank Sinatra

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

Richard Dawkins

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Walt Whitman

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Saint Augustine

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Samuel Butler

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

Bette Davis

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Bette Davis

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

W. Clement Stone

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O'Rourke

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

P. J. O'Rourke

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

P. J. O'Rourke

Never fight an inanimate object.

P. J. O'Rourke

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

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